I have decided honesty is the best policy, so I'm writing to you to set a few things straight.
Although our relationship is a pretty harmonious one, I feel we should iron out any issues sooner rather than later so it can develop to an even more harmonious level.
1. Who told you that you can sing? Whoever it was cease the friendship/relationship with them immediatley, THEY LIED! so now at least one person (Ok Dog!) has been honest with you, can you please stop singing "Me and my puppy, gettin' all slushy" to me at every given opportunity, and especially stop doing this when we have guests. You are only embarassing yourself! Well actually me too, but it is your best interests I have at heart. For your information the song actually goes.. "Me and my teddy, getting all ready, getting all ready for bed" So please feel free to sing it to any stuffed animal, at bedtime, and out of my earshot!
2. Ive noted that you take joy in gathering Dad, Mollie, Lilli and anyone else who happens to be around to have a good laugh at me when I am asleep with my legs in the air and my mouth wide open. That is fine, just don't be offended when you wake up in the middle of the night and the neighbouhood dogs and cats are gathered around your bed having a good laugh at YOU!
3. Seems you were not in class on the day they taught pooper scooping etiquette, so here is a quick catch up.. it's NOT good etiquette to announce loudly how smelly my poo is when you are picking it up.. does your's smell of roses?
4. Its no coincidence that I poop in the garden the second you have cleaned one up.. I could wait for my walk.. but the look on your face is far too amusing and also revenge is sweet.. see number 3.
5. Buy a dictionary and look up the word DISCRETION then try applying it when you are coo-ing over countless doggys online.. I SEE YOU doing it you know!
Love Ben xxxx